✨ What Is a Boundary, Really?

By Shona Mae | Sacred Resilience

Today’s culture is obsessed with boundaries.

But somewhere along the way, we forgot what they’re really meant to do.

We were taught that boundaries are healthy—and they are.

But lately, it feels like “setting boundaries” has become code for cutting people off without conversation, cancelling connection without explanation, and wielding silence like a weapon.

As a grandmother who hasn’t seen her granddaughter in nine years—who just turned 13 today—I am heartbroken.

I am grieving.

And I am questioning what these so-called “boundaries” are really creating.

Boundaries Aren’t Brick Walls

A boundary should be a mutual understanding.

It should protect peace, not punish people.

It should be rooted in love, not control.

True boundaries sound like:

• “This is how I need to be spoken to when we disagree.”

• “I love you, and I also need space to process.”

But what many of us are experiencing isn’t that.

It’s one-sided.

It’s “Do what I say or you’re out.”

It’s “Apologize for things you didn’t do—or lose access to your child forever.”

It’s “You’re toxic and I’m healed—end of story.”

That’s not a boundary.

That’s an ultimatum dressed in self-help language.

Emotional Hostage-Taking Is Not Empowerment

We’re being told we need to accept this treatment to prove we’ve changed.

We’re being asked to apologize for existing—for loving too much, for not being perfect, for showing up in ways our adult children now label as “trauma.”

It’s a kind of emotional hostage-taking, and it’s disguised as growth.

But here’s what I know as a grief guide, an elder, a woman who has lived and loved deeply:

Healing doesn’t come from avoidance.

It comes from facing what hurts and working through it—with compassion, not condemnation.

The Cycle Continues Until Someone Breaks It

When a parent or grandparent is cut off without a path to understanding, the pain doesn’t disappear—it gets passed down.

A child growing up in silence absorbs that silence.

They learn that love is conditional.

They learn that when someone hurts you, you erase them.

And that breaks my heart even more.

My Boundary? Basic Human Respect

So here is my boundary:

I will no longer stay silent while estrangement is used as punishment.

I will no longer accept dehumanization as a path to someone else’s empowerment.

And I will not pretend this is love. Because it’s not.

Love involves truth.

Love invites repair.

Love requires both people to show up and try.

If you are estranged and grieving—know this:

You are not crazy. You are not alone.

And you are allowed to speak your truth, even if no one else in the room understands it.

Let’s Start a New Conversation

If you’re ready to move forward—not in anger, but in healing—you are welcome here.

Let’s reclaim the meaning of boundaries.

Let’s grieve out loud.

Let’s start honoring what was lost—so we can rise into what’s next.

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With love and sacred truth,

Shona Mae

Founder, Sacred Resilience